GOVERNMENT ‘RELUCTANTLY COMPELLED’ TO TAX TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Speaking simultaneously in Dublin and London, faceless spokespersons announced that the government ‘has had no alternative’ but to tax the previously sacrosanct twelve days of Christmas.
Here are the revised budget estimates:
Ist day of Xmas: a wren, or other small bird may be exempt. Tree subject to heavy peartree tax, so best omitted.
2nd day of Xmas: full allocation of turtle doves permitted, but each fifth egg will be taxable at source, regardless of household income.
3rd day of Xmas: French hens definitely not approved; a small locally reared hen [one per household] is to be substituted for all foreign poultry.
4th day of Xmas: four calling birds will require an entertainment licence for private home use.
5th day of Xmas: all gold rings property of the No-Kandu People’s Greedibank till further notice.
6th day of Xmas: no goose to be permitted to lay about doing nothing. Geese to work a five day week in accordance with EU regulations.
7th day of Xmas: planning permission is required for a lake or any other recreational waterway whether for use of swans, boats or leaping lords.
8th day of Xmas: inspectors will be visiting all milking parlours and any milkmaid failing to meet legal requirements will not be allowed to continue milking. Heavy fines for non-compliance.
9th day of Xmas: owing to a ban on overtime the government has been unable to complete its budgets for the ninth and subsequent days of Xmas. These will be entered into the budgets for next year, but predictions seem set for punitive measures on all arts and leisure activities; consumers would therefore be wise to abandon any further celebrations after day 8.
Happy Christmas in moderation from the Revenue Department.
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